not where but who

God is much more concerned with who we are than where we are. We spend so much time and energy trying to figure out where we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to do. All the time, God is merely using our surroundings to accomplish His main goal. To make us more like Him. To light in our hearts a fire of love that burns only for Him. He is big enough to see to it that His plans prevail, your anxiety and worry do not serve Him in the least. Allow Him to mold you as He wills, any other pursuit is a waste of your time. Learn to love Him.

Something I’ve needed to hear lately…

In him was life…

In him was life and that life was the light of men.    john1:4

This is one of my favorite phrases in one of my favorite chapters of the Bible. For a long time (and even now, at times) I wasn’t even sure I knew what it meant, the words just had a ring to them that I liked. I would say the two things I need most are life and light.

Life seems obvious. If I don’t have life, I can’t have anything else, now can I? Of course I need life. But it also goes beyond a beating heart and lungs that bring in air. I need something to fill those moments that life provides me with. At the risk of sounding a bit trite, I need life in my life. I need joy and sorrow, pain and ecstasy, love, friendship, and community. I need meaning that goes beyond my own problems and worries. I need life. Without life, every heartbeat, every breath of air, is a nightmarish emptiness that drains us of the will to live. The awful reality is that chasing life, more often than not, feels like chasing a soccer ball down a steep hill. The bottom seems to be nowhere in sight, the ball is never quite in reach, and one wrong step and a lost soccer ball will be the least of our worries. It is to this weary frustration that John writes, “I found life! And it’s been in HIM the whole time!” All He needs is for us to let the ball go, kneel at His feet, and ask Him for the life we’ve been so desperately seeking.

So the soccer ball analogy? I forgot to mention that it’s also pitch black. We are wandering in the dark with nothing to light the way. We can’t see ourselves, the people around us, or the life we’re chasing so desperately. In his first letter to the early church (1 John), John talks about how light can only be found in communion with God (first and foremost) and communion with each other (once we’ve discovered the source of the light). Everything else is darkness. So for everyone stumbling around in the dark, John has more good news, “This life that’s only found in Him? It’s the light that’s lighting the way for the entire human race! The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it!”

The two things that I’ve been missing lately, found in Jesus. He loves being the solution to my problems. He loves being strength in my weakness. He loves me. Not just at the moment I first accepted His salvation, but even when I feel like I should have it figured out by now. Especially then.

oh hey.

Lately, this blog has become like an old acquaintance that you pass in the street and pretend not to know. You avoid eye contact and suddenly walk like you have somewhere very important to be. Do this often enough and the awkwardness of having been avoiding that person gets added onto the awkwardness of having to talk to someone you barely know (or maybe that’s just the determined introvert in me talking). Unfortunately, this morning neither my blog or I were paying attention and we both sat down at the same table in the Student Center while I’m waiting for my next class. Conversation was unavoidable (hey, I’m not rude…just antisocial) and so we finally confronted the obvious. The last time I posted was November 3rd. It’s been feeling neglected and I’ve convinced myself that I’ve been far too busy but here we were, alone at last.

The reason, by the way, that I’m sitting in a Student Center at all is become I’m now a student…again. Since waiting any longer to finish school will have me graduating as a middle-aged man (yikes), I’ve finally decided to step away from online schooling and enroll as a student at a for real community college. Crazy, I know. Hopefully, I’ll be done with my generals at the end of this year and will be transferring to the University of Minnesota afterwards. Unless the Mayans have their way, that is. Barring anything as dramatic as the apocalypse, I’m planning on sticking with this school thing until I get my four-year degree.

The other big change since my last post is that, for the first time in my 24 years on this planet, I’ve started to prefer the name James. Until a month or two ago, James sounded way too formal and it just didn’t seem to fit. When I transferred to my new store, I introduced myself as James just to see if I liked it. I wasn’t crazy about it at first but it’s been growing on me. Now, in a couple of my classes we’ve been going around and doing introductions. I was asked if I had any nicknames that I preferred and, for the first time in my life, I said no (also there was already a Jimmy in one of the classes so that helped). I can’t really explain why this change has suddenly occurred, I’ve just finally realized what I’ve known for a long time but have never cared about until now. Jimmy is a name that sounds like it should belong to a five-year-old. (No offense to any Jimmys who might be reading this. It’s just a personal preference.) I realize that nothing will change any time soon. Most of my friends will still call me Jimmy, which I’m ok with. But when I introduce myself, I now introduce myself as James without thinking about it.

Note: The only three people on the planet who can call me Jim are my brother and sisters. If anyone else calls me Jim, it sounds like they’re talking to my dad. That one definitely hasn’t caught on yet.

This might be a rekindling of my friendship with my blog. Or, more likely, we’ll probably part ways for the next month or two and pretend not to see one another until I feel like I have something worthwhile to say.

Until then.

seasons

winter is finally stretching out its icy fingers of wrath and torment and preparing to take its hold on Bloomington, MN. this morning, I had to scrape frost off my windshield. not sure I’m ready for this, wasn’t fall supposed to last a little bit longer? also, this morning a friend mentioned that she’d heard this winter was supposed to be the worst Minnesota’s had in years. ugh. (I was tempted to make that word a bit more colorful, but I’m pretty sure my mother is the only one who reads this thing, so…)

anyway, the changing of the seasons always makes me stop and look at the season of life that I’m in and consider where I am in life’s journey. the beginning of winter is usually the most dramatic, perhaps partly because autumn is my favorite season and mostly because I know that everything is about to be cold, harsh, dead, and generally unpleasant. I know that before long I will need to be reminded that winter does not last forever and life will come back in due time. though I may forget what warm sunshine feels like and what green grass looks like, spring will come again. and generally the life it brings makes me forget that the cold death it required to be reborn even took place.

on some levels, the seasons I’ve been experiencing have been the opposite of the physical ones. in many ways, moving to Minnesota was like moving out of winter and finally seeing spring again. the community that I have here has been an answer to many prayers and there are many areas of my life that I feel slowly coming back to life. but it also feels a bit like autumn, harvesting the fruit of labor and perseverance. enjoying the blessings but also preparing for a new season that involves waiting and some more perseverance. perhaps it’s not as opposite as I thought. I think winter also reminds me of how the whole world is cold, dead, and in bondage. we wait for the spring of Christ’s return when life that we’ve never imagined possible will come and He will take us to be with Him. we will be, in Phil Wickham’s words, “where death is just a memory and tears are no more”.

there can be much comfort in perspective and realizing that God controls every season no matter how out of control we feel. so we soldier on. we trust Him. and wait for the spring.

 

On a personal note: as far as the events of my daily life go, there’s not much to report. still working a decent amount of hours and investing in relationships here. I have an advising session for school on wednesday and then I’ll be able to register for classes next semester. I’ll be cutting back on hours at work since working full time and going to school full time is not something I’m interested in doing again.

thank God for Ikea

I officially have an apartment. I signed the lease yesterday afternoon and started moving my carfull of belongings inside. I quickly regretted taking the third floor apartment. So. Many. Stairs. I’m not looking forward to carrying a couch and bed up those stairs. No sir.

It always forget how much you need just to live, eat, and bathe in a place. Fortunately, I swiped the shower curtain from the last house I rented (hey, I bought it!) otherwise I might not have showered last night. All I had to eat was a ziplock of some leftover pizza (a staple of my diet) and no microwave. No plates, cups, or anything else that would go in a kitchen cupboard. I decided there was nothing for it. I would have to make an Ikea run. Thankfully, there’s one down the street from my house. Though Colorado’s first Ikea was opening in Denver just as I was leaving, I went to one in San Diego once with my best friend’s family. At this point, I’m pretty much an expert. I power walked through the showroom, dodging shopping carts piloted by starry-eyed housewives dragging along their bored looking husbands. I finally found the stairs leading to the part of the store that I was actually looking for. Cooking & Dining. At this point, you could grab a cart and start filling it with the items that you’ve seen displayed in countless perfect looking kitchens on your way through the labyrinth. I found a dish set for $20 that was normally $60 (win!)!  I grabbed a set of  cooking utensils, some silverware, one of those things you put in your drawer to hold all the silverware, steak knives, a trash can, and a bathmat. Having acquired the essentials, I breathed a sigh of accomplishment and headed for the checkout lanes. After paying less than I would have thought possible, I made it outside, loaded up my freshly halfway unloaded Subaru, and headed to Walmart. I grabbed the cheapest microwave I could find (which cost about half as much as what I just spent) and headed home. I unloaded some more stuff, warmed up my pizza, inflated my air mattress, and played Civilization V for a few hours. I also discovered that one of my neighbors doesn’t secure their internet. God is good.

It’s not much but, thanks to Ikea, it’s a little bit more than it was to start out with. If anyone in the cities has a truck and wants to help me move some furniture, it would help immensely. I’ll have my people call your people.

refreshed.

when I think about the past week-and-a-half, that’s the word that comes to mind. like coming up out of the water and being able to breathe freely for the first time in a long time. staying with the Marcellus family has been a huge blessing and I’m grateful to be able to call them my friends. I’m not sure what’s different about being here, it’s not like I didn’t have friends in CO. it just feels like I’m finally in a place where I can put down my roots and call it home. plans begin to form in my imagination as I look towards the future and think about what might be. there’s no pressure to get out there and make something of myself, only the possibility of a life lived to the fullest. I know that there are challenges ahead, many obstacles to be overcome. but in the meantime, I’m just enjoying life.

ideas? anyone? anyone?

so, here’s the thing. as I’m starting life here in minneapolis, I’ve decided I’d like to start a new hobby. preferably something that will get me out of doors every once in a while. please post ideas. thank you.

a quick glance over my shoulder before tumbling over the precipice

catchy title, I know. sometimes the brilliant ones take a long time to come up with and sometimes they just come to you. this particular mouthful was a case of the latter.

I feel like I’m caught in a river that’s about to sweep me over the edge down a thundering waterfall. there’s no time to slow down, consider what’s about to happen, prepare for the bottom, or even feel particularly sad about what’s being left behind. I’m sure there will be plenty of time for all of that later, it’ll probably all hit me as I’m driving out there and I realize how much I’m going to miss everyone. but for now all I can do is hold on and embrace what’s about to happen.

For anyone who doesn’t know, I’m moving to Minneapolis this weekend. It’s been something that I’ve been asking God about since I left, to be honest. I know that there were reasons He called me back to Colorado and I’m glad to have experienced all that I have, but from the moment I came back I haven’t been able to embrace this as the place that I’m supposed to be. I did two years of the furnace and lived on my own for a year before finally feeling like God was saying that the time had come. I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing or for how long, I just know that it’s time to go back. I’m don’t even know why I’ve been wanting to go back so bad. True, one of my best friends lives there, but every time I think about how cold it gets during the winter I wonder if I’ve lost my mind. Areas that get so cold that your car won’t start in the morning shouldn’t be inhabited by humans.

Oh well. Just keep focusing on the positive. That’s what I keep telling myself. But really, it amazes me that I’ve only been home for 3 years when I think about all that’s happened. Been to Berlin twice, backpacked Europe, went skydiving, was in my first relationship, moved in and out of my dad’s house three times, lived in a creepy building in Old Colorado City, lived at the church, worked at Chick-fil-a, worked at Starbucks, bought a Subaru, saw most of my friends from the Honor Academy get married, it all seems like a blur but I really have been blessed to experience all that I have. I definitely reverted to my old, extremely introverted self but I have made a few really great friends that I’ll keep in touch with.

I recently watched a movie (preview) in which one character remarked to another that “everyone is lost at 25″. I’m sure that’s not really true, it’s probably not even really true of me but I do feel a certain freedom to be lost if I need to be. My life is by no means figured out. I have no plans whatsoever for the future and am not sure why this move is so important. I just have to remind myself that “not all who wander are lost” (thank you, Mr. Tolkien) and that “man makes his plans but the Lord directs his steps” (thank you, King Solomon). Life truly is a journey…

A brief review of the best day of our lives.

Day 2 of our trip to Orlando. Second summer in a row that Jean and I have gone a-traveling and I definitely think that it’s a tradition that should continue. Since this year we brought my other sister with us, perhaps next year all four of us will go? Time will tell.

Today is the day that we force ourselves to realize that Orlando holds more than just The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, disappointed as we are that that is the case. Yesterday saw most of our dreams coming to life as we wandered around Hogsmeade, ate at the Three Broomsticks, explored Hogwarts castle (even though the ride that we were in line for broke down both times we tried to ride it), and watched a wand choose a lucky wizard at Ollivander’s. Since I know you’re all dying to hear, I’ll go into a bit more detail while I wait for the girls to finish getting ready (read: start waking up).

TWWHP is located at the back corner of Universal’s Islands of Adventure. We barely noticed the Dr. Seuss or Arabian Nights areas as we dashed past them scanning the skyline for the towers of Hogwarts. We knew we would be coming back today to explore those sections but for that day all that existed was that one small area of the park. As we entered Hogsmeade, we saw the Hogwarts Express belching steam to our right. To our left began a long row of shops whose names we knew well. Zonko’s Joke Shop, Honeyduke’s, Dervish and Banges. Further on we would see Ollivander’s, Flourish and Blotts (you can’t actually go inside but you can see many of Gilderoy Lockhart’s works smiling back at you from their displays), and The Three Broomsticks. We headed straight back to the Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey ride which sits inside Hogwarts Castle. You enter the line through the dungeons then it weaves through the greenhouses before going back inside and wandering through the halls, past Dumbledore’s office, through the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and finally into the Room of Requirement where the ride begins. We never got this far since the ride broke down while we were right outside but we’re hoping to go back today. After this, we got in line at Ollivander’s to watch a wand choose a wizard. We waited for about 45 minutes then a group of about fifteen of us entered the back room of the shop and watched a young girl try the Lumos and Accio spells with unsuccessful wands before finding the one that was right for her. Pretty cool. Then we wandered the front part of the shop where several different kinds of wands were for sale. You could buy wands from the movie or they had a selection of other wands for sale as well. I bought Harry’s, of course. Then Jeanice and I went on the Hippogriff ride before the three of us had lunch at The Three Broomsticks. They had several British sounding meals and Butterbeer, of course (This stuff was much better than the Butterbeer we tried to make in my kitchen last year). After lunch we got back in line for the Hogwarts ride but it broke down again soon after so we decided against waiting. Then we wandered through the rest of the shops at Hogsmeade, the girls bought dress robes (where they’ll use them, I can’t possibly imagine), and then we explored a little of the rest of the park for a while before heading back to the hotel.

Today we’ll be going through the rest of the Islands of Adventure park and the next two days after that we’ll be at Disney World. I forgot my camera so I don’t have any pictures but Jean has been taking a lot so I’m sure those will be on facebook soon.

Sometimes

It’s your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in you
We’re lost in you

“Sometimes” – David Crowder Band

Just discovered this song on the new Passion CD and I’m pretty sure that it’s something the entire world should listen to. Sums up my life right now. I feel like I could go through the song line by line and explain what God has been doing in me recently. Most of the time, life feels like chaos where you don’t know which way is up or how long you’ll have to hold on before the waves stop crashing over your head. But then there are rare moments of clarity when you get a glimpse of what God is up to and you get the distinct sense that everything is going to be alright. The revelation can’t be expressed fully in words but somehow there’s a peace that quiets your weary heart and you can breathe for a moment.

I’m walking down the path of wholeheartedness. It’s hard to know sometimes if I ever left the path or if I have been slowly making my way down it the whole time. God’s plans always turn out to be so much bigger than I ever expect. The paths He chooses to lead me down are never the ones that I would choose for myself yet they’re always the right ones.